I’m sure there are worse things in the world than a bug bite on the ball of your foot but I can’t think of any at the moment.
I’ll keep it short and sweet:
- Read Bossypants.
- Apply the Rules of Improvisation to your life.
- Aspire to be like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
There. All your life problems are solved. You’re welcome, Earth.
Anonymous asked: How can I be more 'aggressive' (I guess that's the right word) at work? I always feel like I'm going to come off as annoying. I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side but I also don't want to be passed over because I come off as an underachiever. Help! (But only if you want to. You don't have to. I mean, I don't want to get on your nerves....)
Actually, I don’t know that aggressive is the right word. Instead, try to be more assertive. Don’t badger people for things to do, but do offer to help them out. If there’s a task that needs to be done, offer to take charge and do it, even if it’s not part of your job description. Be willing to learn new things. Basically, make yourself a quietly indispensable part of the team.
Anonymous asked: What is the best response for that awkward moment when someone knocks on the bathroom stall/room that you are using? I usually say "occupied," but then I feel like I'm the bathroom on an airplane...
There are several options you could go with:
“Gimme a minute, please.”
“Hold on a sec.”
“Seriously, hold your horses…asshole.”
“Kindly fuck off.”
“This may take a while, I’m dropping the kids off at the pool.”
“I seem to be giving birth - call TLC, they need to film this for I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!” (Try to save this one for when you happen to be wearing a prom dress.)
If none of these work for you, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying “occupied.”
Anonymous asked: I awoke last night from a dream that I was driving my kiddo to buy shoes. On the way to the store, we detoured toward the airport, but then, realizing we didn’t need to go to the airport, I redirected us, lost control, and spun into another car. That car was driven by child actor Ricky Schroder, who was accompanied by a redhead. While discussing the accident with her, I turned to find Ricky drawing a diagram of the bump-up on the cover of my antique copy of “The Little Engine That Could.” Why?
It took me a while to figure it out - I was stumped by the presence of the redhead, but now I’ve got it! You had a dream about planes, trains and automobiles - or should I say Planes, Trains & Automobiles, co-starring the lovely Edie McClurg!
Ricky Schroder was there because his character on Silver Spoons had a train that ran through his house because he was baller like that.
Basically, you had a dream about 80s pop culture nostalgia, and it means that you should write to VH1 and ask them to re-air I Love The 80s.
Anonymous asked: What color is it if there is no light?
A darker hue of whatever color it is. I hope this was helpful.
Anonymous asked: Let's talk sex for a moment, shall we? I've been dating the same guy for two years and we've been sexually active since the six-month mark, but I don't find myself turned on by anything he says or does. I find him attractive, but nothing about his body or appearance is sexually appealing. When I do seek out sex, it's because I'd been craving release prior to seeing him, not because of something he did. Is it normal to not be sexually attracted to someone you deeply love in a romantic way?
Let’s talk about sex, baby
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let’s talk about sex
Let’s talk about sex
Let’s talk about sex
Let’s talk about sex
Yes, Salt-n-Pepa, let’s!
I’ll be blunt: this relationship is going nowhere, and I think you know that. But let’s go back and try to figure out how you got to this point. Was there ever a time when you found him sexually appealing? If so, what changed? And if not, what was it about him that has kept you in a relationship that leaves you fundamentally unsatisfied? Most importantly, is the sex any good?
I don’t know if it’s normal to deeply love someone in a romantic way without being sexually attracted to him, but the idea of “normal” when it comes to love and relationships is just silly. What works for one couple may be absolutely terrible for another. But the way you phrased the way you feel about him - “deeply love in a romantic way” - seems so stilted that I think I can safely say that this is not healthy for you. I think it’s possible to be sexually attracted to someone without being in love with them, but I don’t know if the opposite is true, at least not for you, and not after only two years of dating. If you’d been married for 60 years, it would probably be different.
But let’s get back to the actual sex. When you have sex, is it because you want sex, or because you want sex with him? Is there true intimacy, a real connection, or are you just closing your eyes and trying to get off? You basically already said it in your question, but it felt like you were tiptoeing around the issue, and I want you to actually confront what you’re feeling.
You don’t seem happy, and you don’t seem satisfied, and for some reason you don’t want to admit it. And I get it. Trust me, I get it. You love this guy, and you want him to be enough. It’s not his fault that he’s not, and it’s not yours, either. You’re allowed to want to be with someone you find attractive in every way - in fact, you deserve it. And your guy deserves to be with someone who finds him sexually appealing, someone who wants to have sex with him because it’s him.
So you’re faced with the prospect of ending this relationship (the fact that you say you’ve been dating the guy for two years, as opposed to “my boyfriend of two years,” is a huge red flag) and potentially being alone for a while, or staying with him because you love him in spite of the fact that he doesn’t turn you on. Honestly, I think you need to really examine your feelings for him, and where you see yourself in the future. Can you see yourself marrying this guy, having kids with him, being with him into your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond? If you can, I wish nothing but happiness and satisfaction for you both. If not, the kindest thing you can do for him and for you is to end it and move on.